so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
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DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
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then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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