So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
