You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
