The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
