hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My ass is underappreciated
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
