please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
