Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
