Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Dear god my vagina.
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