just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
