I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
