I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
