even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
