if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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