I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
