Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
