ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
