oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
