yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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