So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
