it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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