i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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