I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
