nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
