I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
