i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
