I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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