Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
