At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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