Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
