please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
