The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Come share oat with me in your robe
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
