if i can run in heels then i can drive
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
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This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
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Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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