I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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