Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
