I faked an abortion last night.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
