Already got asked if we're dating
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
