eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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