I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
