it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
