I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
