Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize