yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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