You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
