everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
