When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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