I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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