this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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