its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I need to stop coming to work sober
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think my moral compass just broke
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