I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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