I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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