the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
