Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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