Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
