Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
