these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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