So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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