i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
